You Don't Really Love People

Are you a kind, loving, friendly and welcoming person?  Who would honestly say "no"?  In general we like to think highly of ourselves.  In all honesty it would be pretty debilitating to walk around thinking poorly of yourself.  It's a natural survival mechanism that we utilize to view ourselves in a mostly positive light. 

Guess what?  You need to stop thinking so positively about yourself. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean start beating yourself up about the things you do.  But the reality is we too often refuse to look at ourselves realistically.  And when we refuse to do, we stop growing as a person. 

I knew a guy who thought he was a great writer(he wasn't).  He even wrote a series of books he wanted to get published.  No one would touch him with a ten foot pole.  Did he start taking classes, join peer review groups, start editing and re-working his manuscripts?  Nope.  In his mind they were perfect exactly the way they were.  Everyone else was just an idiot.....

The biggest barrier to being truly loving and caring people is the belief that we already are.  If that's true, why are so many people lonely, sad, hurting and broken? 

People are hurting because we evaluate how loving we are through the lens of the people who are easy for us to love.  Let me say this very clearly, if the only people who think you are friendly and caring are the people you like....well......you aren't that friendly and loving. 

In Matthew chapter 5 Jesus says,

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."


Let that sink in......

Who in your life is it not natural and easy to love and treat with kindness?  Who is a challenge to reach out to and invite into your house to share life with? 

Unless you are showing ACTIVE love to them you are just doing that which is easiest for you.  And that isn't love at all.

 

Arrogance, Sin, and Self-Centered Individualism; The Path to Loneliness

Sin is alienating in its natural state.  It will not share the spotlight with anyone or anything else.  When we embrace sin, in any form, we are creating a space between us and others...and ultimately God.  The choice to sin is rooted in a false perception that whatever this particular behavior is will show our "independence" and freedom from being told what to do.  This lie we tell ourselves also convinces us that WE are the ones in control.  Sinning is the active manifestation of a heart that wants to prove to itself that it really is in the drivers seat of life. 

Let me use an extreme example to illustrate this falsehood of "being in control"....

A young man wants to be independent from the oppressive and old fashioned rules of his parents/school/boss so he decides to try cocaine.  While there probably was not a moment where this young man thought, "I'll show them who is really in charge by doing coke!", at the very heart of this choice is this subconscious rebellion.  At first the experience feels liberating, power creating, and exciting.  So he does it again...and again....and again.   Before long(if not immediately as in some cases) this young man is hooked.  Who is really making choices in the addicts life?  The addiction...NOT the addict.  The desire to prove "independence" actually leads to debilitating DEPENDANCE. 

Addicts don't have many friends.  They can only be with people who are at the same place as them.  Addicted and destructive.  And those relationships only last as long as they are the "same place".  When the other person either can support, justify, or, participate in the addiction you can be with them.  When, for any reason, they no longer support your particular behavior, the relationships ends.  Addicts do not want to spend time with people who are not addicts(creates a sense of guilt), or, people who are worse addicts then themselves(so they can self-righteously judge how bad THEY are).  Relationships get narrowed down to only those who are exactly as messed up as you.

If you have ever watched the show, "Intervention"(about confronting addicts) there are a few common statements and mindsets that the addicts exhibit. 

1)  They don't have a problem(unless talking about their problem will get them something)

2)  It is in someway someone else's fault; parents, friends, boss, spouse

3)  Whatever problem they might have could simply be solved by the people in their life being more supportive. 

4)  They are fiercely protective of their "independence".  The thing that makes them the most angry is how they perceive everyone trying to "control" them.  As if they are currently the ones in control.....


In Malachi 3, starting in verse 13 God calls out Israel for this very sort of heart attitude and behavior.  After spending a big chunk of the book detailing how horrible Israel's sin has been, He points out that they are sitting around blaming God for their choices.  Their argument is basically, what's the point of being good, 1) You can't tell us what to do, and, 2) It's not like you are going to do anything about it anyways.....Bad people are clearly having all the fun, we are tired of all these boring rules.

In verse 16 we get an interesting juxtaposition from the words and attitude from verse 13.  "Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other".  The language and paragraph structure would make the case that those described in verse 16(God fearers) were part of the bunch of people complaining to God in verse 13.  But with a very important difference....

While their initial response(seemingly) was to go along with everyone else's sinful attitude, they moved past that and THEN(used to indicate a progression of the timeline to show that it is directly following the previous event) talked amongst themselves.  The passage doesn't give any specifics about what they did talk about, but it does have an interesting statement.  God noticed this behavior and their names were written in the scroll of remembrance and God would keep them as His.

So what's the big difference and deal here?  How does just 'talk amongst yourselves" lead to being God's?!?!

The key difference between the sin of verse 13(speaking out against God and embracing sin) is that the people described in verse 16 took that temptation to follow everyone else to selfish sin, moved past it, and found God fearing friends to talk through their struggle and have it be shaped by God's truth, not personal desires. 

The path of sin is one where we remove ourselves from fellowship.  We want to be mad and self-righteous about our behavior.  To blame everyone and everything else.  The only people we want around are those who are going to agree with us.  Anything else is offensive and annoying. 

The path of healing and righteousness is through God centered truth that is encouraged and challenged by those in your life.  It requires laying down self-centeredness and, together, seeking God centered truth.  This leads to deeper fellowship and friendship because the whole premise of the relationship is built upon not individual desires, but Godly desires.  Since it isn't about us in the first place, it creates a space where we can also be about others. 

Today we tell people that the only way to be a good friend to someone else is by accepting them just as they are.  Which becomes translated as, "Celebrate whatever they do, and, never say anything negative about their choices......"  The only people in Malachi that are shown in fellowship(friendship) with each other are those who are talking about God's truth together.  Everyone else in Malachi is just presented as selfishly complaining to God and ignoring their sin.....NEVER with someone else...just alone....

You and I need friends who do not accept and encourage sin.  Those are the friendships that lead to loneliness.  When we are encouraged to be selfish, we are ultimately going to be selfish...and friendless.  True friendship are those who will not accept sin in your life, but will stand right with you no matter how dirty it might be and talk to you about God's truth. 

Tired of being lonely.  Stop looking for people who don't love you enough to speak truth.   

     

Start asking yourself, are the people in your life really friends, or, are they "enemies"

Story of Life

Psalm 1

¹ Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

 

Our lives tell a story.  The sort of story it tells us really up to us.  It isn't up to our geography, our parents, our jobs, or any of that.  It is shaped by our deliberate choices.  Every day we are faced with a series of choices that can have profound effects on every single moment that follows.  Sometimes they are little changes, like, blue shirt or red shirt today.  Other times they are huge, like job we will take or how we will respond to a crisis.

 

But the biggest influencer on our story is the people we associate with.  Our interpersonal relationships will dramatically define the picture of our lives.  Hang out with criminals, you will probably get arrested.  Hang out with straight A students, you will probably get better grades.  It's why parents are always so concerned about the type of friends their kids have.  It is not that we don't "like" a certain kid, but because we know from our own lives that we are so influenced by our peers. 

 

Our son is only 4 and in preschool.  There are so many things he says and does now that are completely unique to our family dynamic.  It is so easy to see where these phrases and behaviors come from.  Now, he is only 4, and so are his school friends, so it is all just silly and innocent.  But already, as a preschooler, we can recognize how the relationships he is building are beginning to shape his personality.

 

The people in your life, for good and bad, are going to shape you profoundly.  Who are you letting into your counsel?

Have you ever had a job that is "ok", and then you make a friend at work who hates it?  How long before you start participating in their cynicism and disdain for the job  and your boss?  It happens.  When you surround yourself and invest in positive role models, you're attitude begins to reflect that as well. 

When we evaluate our relationships we have to be willing to ask ourselves, is this person's life, behavior, attitude, relationships, etc, an example of what I want to strive for myself.  This doesn't mean we don't have friendships with people who have problems, it just means we have to be careful about the kind of influence we allow them to bear in our lives. 

And then we also have to ask ourselves who ARE the people whose behavior, attitudes, relationships etc, are that which I would love to have myself.   Then, we have to seek them out, not just to "learn" but to have a relationship with.  It will shape us naturally. 

Here are some areas to get serious about how your story will be told:

1) Your Job/School:  Are the people you primarily spend time with cynical and grumpy, or, positive and encouraging.

2)  Family:  Do your friends talk bad about their family all the time, or, do they speak with love and grace(even when their family isn't perfect)?

3)  Your Kids:  It is the attitude Du Jour today to speak with exasperation about childhood and parenthood.  While, at times it is ok to express the frustration that parenting can bring, is that all you talk about?  Or, are your relationships with other parents shaped by positive and encouraging thoughts about kids and life as parents? 

4)  Marriage:  What do the romantic relationships of your associates look like?  Are they committed, selfless, giving, encouraging?  Or, are they broken, selfish, taking, discouraging?  If the majority of the input we receive is from people who have unhealthy relationships, it will negatively influence our relationships.  Marriage is already a challenge, are we being encouraged and built up, or,....the opposite. 

God is no dummy.  When the Truth of Psalm 1 was written He knew exactly how we are made and how we are influenced.  Ask yourself, is your life one that could be described as being fruitful, peaceful and good.  The reverse is detailed later in the chapter, empty, hurting and destructive.  And you know what the defining difference between those two extremes are?  The people we allow to influence us. 

Do you want to have a life of hope and encouragement?  Surround yourself with people who are full of hope and encouragement!  Start telling a new and better story.