True Love in a Romanceless Marriage

Why did you get married?  If you aren't married, what are the reasons you would want to be married?

If you read Nicholas Sparks books(please please don't) you would probably answer something about love, romance, fate, etc.  The common dream is that we find some perfect person who will give us continuous butterflies in our stomach and satisfy our deep desires for romantic intimacy.  If you can only find that perfect Prince(or Princess) your story book life will begin and you can live happily ever after. 

Marriage has become a strangely one sided affair.  Yes, I know it involves two people.  But the basic assumed premise of a successful marriage is that YOU are in some way satisfied by the person you are married to and the circumstances you find yourself in.  And when either one person or both individuals no longer feels this way the marriage comes to an end. 

While many may bravely soldier on under these conditions for a period of time the foundational narrative of personal satisfaction overrides other senses.  In my relatively young life I know a number of my peers who have been divorced.  In not once instance were there occurrences of abuse, infidelity, criminal behavior, etc.  They were all cases of, "We(or I) are no longer in "love" with that person". 

No wonder people keep waiting longer and longer to get married!  When you are contemplating committing your life to another person against the backdrop of a culture that says marriage is about love alone when we know how fleeting such emotional feelings can be, the risk seems too great.

In Ruth chapter 3 we have the story of Ruth basically using cultural and religious obligations to convince an older man(Boaz) to marry her.  Our modern sensibilities balk at this story.  Where is the love we ask?  The romance?  The passionate kiss in the rain after they both discovered how much they truly needed each other!!?!?!

The book of Ruth is a foreshadowing of the story of Christ and His Bride(the Church).  The picture of what a marriage is in Ruth is a radical departure from our modern concepts.  Yet it is a picture of the most important love we can ever observe and experience. 

Marriage is not based on "romance", but Love.  These are wildly different concepts.  Starting with Love can, and often, develops romance, romance is not a natural step on the progression to Love. 

Romance is something you feel.  Love is something you do, regardless of feelings.

Romance is an outflow of attraction.  Love is not based upon attraction.

Romance is a temporary event or condition often sourced in impulse.  Love is a permanent act of the will.

Romance is conditionally offered.  Love is unconditionally provided. 


The message of the Gospel is that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  And the maintaining of our relationship with Christ is not dependent upon us, or, our actions, but completely based upon the character of Christ. 

How would it feel to know that your Eternal destination was dependent upon your "wining and dining" God through your own "appeal".  And, if for whatever reason, God grew tired of you, or you were no longer up to snuff, He said, "You know, it's not you, it's me.  We have just grown apart.  Sorry".............

The True Love Boaz and Ruth experience is not trying to find some perfect person to compliment their personal preferences, but to instead commit life to service to the other.  This is an act of the will, not the impulsivity of feelings.  Christ offers us the Gospel not because we satisfy some sort of romantic need in His life, but because He has chosen to be our Agape Lover and Guardian Redeemer.  Our appearance, intelligence, personality, etc, have no bearing on the stability of our marriage to the Lamb. 

Ask yourself, "Am I looking for a romantic marriage, or, am I looking for sacrificial Love that serves the other, and not the self?"  When the years go by, the kids and jobs come and change.  When the decades tire you out and exhaust your patience.  Which will sustain you?  A whirlwind trip to Paris, or, a spouse who is committed to give the best of themselves to you regardless of the circumstances?

The modern marriage is not a picture of the Gospel.  The Gospel is a picture of Marriage! 

Old couples don't get there because of how many romantic dates they took, but how many unromantic days they stayed.

Finding Love on Valentines

1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Yayyyyy Valentines Day!

Sarcasm.....

Don't get me wrong.  I love LOVE.  I love loving my wife.  I love loving my kids.  In general, I just love love. 

But what I don't love is what our society tells us about what love is. 

Goosebumps, heart racing, sweaty palms, lust, attraction.

You know what is the common denominator about all of those feelings of "love" we are encouraged to seek and "maintain"?  They are about what that person does for YOU.  When we celebrate something like Valentines day we are giving gifts and having dinners to tell that person how pleased we are that they make us feel a certain way. 

Think of the things that you would typically hear on a Valentines date:

"You are so beautiful"

"You make me so happy"

"You do such nice things for me"

None of those statements or sentiments are themselves necessarily a bad thing.  But they are not the core component of what love is.  We dangerously build all of our romantical notions around the idea of what that person produces in us. 

And, when they no longer create that sense of euphoria and desire in you anymore, than you have "fallen out" of love.  Typically, the response of the world is that this is a sign that it is time to move on.  They don't make your toes tingle anymore like that barista at the Free Trade Coffee bar does, so, go find love!!

What is Love?  True love?  Selfless love?

Jesus laid down his life for those who were his enemies.  When Jesus went to the cross, he did not do it with the expectation that everyone was just going to start cleaning up their act and return his act of love consistently, or, at all.  But he did it anyway.  True love, the love that God designed us to desperately need, is found in not what others do for us, but giving up of ourselves for others.

When we live out of a sense of selfishness, whether consciously or not, we are creating a life where the love our soul cries out for will always be out of reach.  We will just keep roving, hoping that around this next corner we will finally find it.  But we won't.  Because Love is not about getting.  It is about giving.

Any time we base our satisfaction in the current status of our relationship based on the feelings it provides, we are in trouble.  When we commit our hearts to acting and serving in love without expectation of getting, but only for the sake of their receiving, a funny thing begins to shift in our hearts and minds.  We begin to discover a more permanent joy and satisfaction in the relationship.  A love that surpasses the giddy feelings of "first love(attraction)" begins to develop and shape your entire perspective.

Where is your heart today?  Are you still hoping to find love? Are you hoping to feel loved?

Begin to ask yourself who the primary relationships in your life are.  Spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers.  What would it look like to start loving them for their sake, and not yours?  Even if it could cost you everything. 

You can't do that alone.  In our imperfect and sinful nature we are constantly seeking self gratification.  Prayerfully and humbly come to the cross, seek the breaking of your selfishness, begin to make new choices that challenge the "comfort" of the ones you have made before.  To experience the love your heart desires, stop doing the things you did before.  Lay it down.  It is worth it.

Best cards out there!