A Healthy Marriage

Of all the things I know, the one I am most certain of is that I know very little.  An old cliché is that teenagers think they know everything and what the are most certain of is that their parents know very little.  But then, as the years rolls on, they discover how little they know and how much they want their parents advice.  The unstated assumption in this cliché is that from our matured adult perspective we recognize how little we knew as children.....but how much we know now. 

This is completely wrong.

When I was young I assumed that all adults had it together.  Life made sense for them, they had all the answers, and they were "grown up".  Today I realize that adults have the same blinders and make the same mistakes that they did as children, we just do it with more wrinkles and facial hair.  Buying into the mistaken perspective that where you are right now means that you have finally "arrived" turns off our brains, negatively impacts our empathy, and shrinks us into self-assured navel gazers. 

The belief in our own "completed" knowledge base is the fertile soil for becoming a self-centered person.  We mistakenly believe that what we believe to be true about ourselves and others is completely true.  And when someone does not live up to the static perspective we have adopted, we find ourselves in conflict. 

You see, knowledge without humility is the impetus to disconnecting our hearts from the human frailty of relationship.  When we become self-assured in our own perspective of "rightness" another person's inability, or, struggle, to meet our standard develops resentment and frustration. 

No where does this become more apparent than within the context of our marriages.  And the world has lied to us about what a marriage is, and so we are set up to fail from the start. 

The primary, and most destructive, lie about marriage is the story about "romantic" love.  You meet the "one", they give you butterflies, you can't stand the thought of spending even one minute apart.  And based on this, marriage is the end game.  When we are told that marriage is about love, what they mean is "romantic love". 

But here is the thing about romantic love.  Experiencing romantic love is a reflection of YOUR sensibilities.  It is based upon your current preferences and standards.  And these things are ever changing.  Not to mention that what is sweet and charming about someone who you see once every few days loses that allure when you see them EVERYYYYYY day. 

Romantic love, when you boil it down, is about what is being done for you.  There is a static standard you have created for yourself that you expect to be met.  While you may recognize that a child has to grow up and change and mature, we believe that we have arrived at whatever intellectual and emotional maturity destination that being an adult encompasses.  So therefore, we are done growing, and that other person better make the effort to meet us where we are at. 

In Ephesians 4:2, we are encouraged to, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love". 

Let me break that down.  The final word, "love", is the Greek word, "agape".  Which IS NOT romantic.  It is a giving love.  A God centered love that seeks the good for others first to the point of being sacrificial.  And this word is the foundation, what the other actions are rooted in, for the rest of the verse. 

So you SACRIFICIALLY are to be HUMBLE and gentle and patient.  While this passage is written to the general Christian population, it is a foundational truth that God calls us all to as the blueprint to guide our relationships. 

To sacrificially act in humility to your spouse means to;

1- Put them first, EVEN as it costs you something

2- Have an attitude of teachability that never wanes, no matter how much you have grown.  Because humility is a willingness to say, "I still have a lot to learn"

Every day we must come to our spouse with a humble heart that says, "I have so much more to learn about you, what I know today is going to be laughably small in comparison to what I shall know by tomorrow." 

Just like we realized that we just didn't know what we thought we knew when we were teenagers, a healthy marriage is found when two people have the self-awareness to say that they can never think they have arrived.

If you want a healthy marriage, start accepting that you know very little.  Become a student of your spouse.  Be empathetic to their short comings and mistakes, because you need them to be the same for you.  And we need to HUMBLY accept our own limitations as we extend that grace to our spouse. 
 

 

I just know you were more likely to read this because of his picture.....

When Good isn't Good Enough

My son has reached the age where he has been taught the classic, "Stop, Drop and Roll" technique for addressing being on fire.  This is a good thing.  If my son ever finds himself in a situation where his pants have begun to burn and smolder, it will be very beneficial for him to know what to do.  Not to mention it is fun to watch him demonstrate his SDaR technique in our living room.

Valuable as it may be, SDaR misses a very important point that ultimately is much more vital to my sons survival.  Practically speaking, the likelihood of my five year old spontaneously catching fire while playing on the swing set is highly unlikely.  What is much more probable is that while we are sleeping there is an electrical fire that starts somewhere in our house.  With our house ablaze my son may very well find some sort of fire on his clothes.  And if that is to occur....he has to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!! 

If you were to find yourself in a burning house all the SDaR in the world will not save you if you do not first get out of the source of the fire.  No matter how effectively and rapidly you roll back and forth on the floor you will eventually burn up.  Get away from the fire, and THEN deal with your smoldering pants.  To reverse that vital process is the height of absurdity. 

In the Gospel of John the ministry of Jesus really gets going when he comes to the Festival of the Booths and calls out all the hyper religious people for being great rule followers who are still destined for destruction.  The Jewish religious establishment prided itself on doing all the right things the right way, but Jesus tells them it is all for naught.  Their behavior is not going to stave off destruction. 

Clearly he was a popular fellow......

Behaving morally, ethically, kindly, etc, are all nice and commendable things.  My preference is to have neighbors who do NOT rob me in the middle of the night and set my house on fire.  The reasons that they do not behave in such a manner are, in some ways, immaterial to me.  If my neighbor believes he is being monitored by aliens who will shoot him with space lasers if he mistreats me, the end, self-centered result is that my day to day life is more pleasant because I have a neighbor who acts appropriately. 

Good behavior is our Stop Drop and Roll.  In a vacuum it is a good thing to know and put into practice.  But what if we are ultimately in the middle of a blazing inferno? 

In John 8 Jesus is beginning to get to the crux of his argument.  That these moral and good behaving people cannot follow Jesus and are going to die in their sins(verse 21).  To understand the context of what Jesus is saying we must recognize the context of the environment that Jesus is stating this.  Everything about this Festival is in proclaiming how righteous and good they all are because of how they follow all the rules.  Their self-styled "goodness" is based on the belief that following the clearly laid out rules justifies themselves in the eyes of God.  They treat religious law as a sort of road map that guarantees that they will arrive at their desired destination. 

With that sort of imagery in mind Jesus says, "You cannot follow where I am going".  Which means, "There is no human road map that you can control and manipulate that will save you".  What will save them?  Believe in the Son of Man who will be raised up(verse 28).  Through the finished work of Christ on the cross(the raised up Son of Man) we can be saved from death.  There is no other way.

If you are sit in a burning house your inevitable life trajectory is destruction.  Before you do anything else, get out!  The natural state of our lives is death.  No matter what good we do, what rules we adhere to, what ethically justifiable behaviors we practice, we are headed to a fire. 

Does this mean that "good" behavior is pointless?  Of course not.  Even if you get out of the burning house you still have to deal with the embers before they cause you damage.  But if you reverse the process of salvation first, THEN regeneration(Holy("good") lives), you aren't doing anything at all.  Rolling around on the ground won't get you out of the house.  Getting out of the house makes the rolling around effective. 

You will never be good enough to get out of the fire. 

Sin, Judgement, Grace

My five year old son loves to play a "game" with his little sister.  He will snottily ask her a question that has an obvious answer that he knows she will get incorrect.  When she inevitably fails the pop quiz he will snap "no, you're wrong!!"  Obviously we are working on correcting it.  But it is an interesting illustration of our human nature....An unhealthy part of our psyche enjoys proving people are wrong and that we are right. 

Very few things feel sweeter than a good old fashioned, "I told you so".  It isn't just enough to be right, we like to bask in the gloriousness of our rightness while rubbing other peoples faces in their wrongness.....Especially when we perceive someone's being wrong as a personal affront of some sort.  You probably don't think of yourself as being a snotty 5 year old tricking his sister, but ask yourself how you feel about people who defend a diametrically opposed political position.  WE LOVE to see them be wrong.  And if we have a good clickbait article to illustrate it we will find some way to slyly post it in the social media world so that they have to see it....

Legalistic morality is the dressed up and articulated version of the "told you so's".  Religious Laws are a tool that are used as hammer to bludgeon those who do not live up to the standards that we appeal to.  While the Law in general serves a helpful purpose in structuring and protecting culture, it does not develop people who live naturally within the framework illustrated by the Law.  It, quite frankly, does not change hearts.

Will my son stop tricking his sister with his questions because he wants to be loving and encourage her to feel good?  Or, does he stop tricking her because he doesn't want to put his nose in the corner anymore?  If the only reason we do what is right is to avoid something that is bad, are we truly doing what is right?

The Law is a trap that is used to produce guilt. 

In the Gospel of John chapter 8 a woman is brought to Jesus

“Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him."  John 8:4-6

Is a law against adultery a good thing?  Sure.  But do we hear from these Teachers a broken heartedness over the damage of this sin on her family or the family of the person she sinned with?  No.....Do they seem personally broken up about having to confront such a difficult situation?  No....They were just giddy(I say that because of the preceding context that we know these men were previously brainstorming a way to get rid of Jesus) at this golden opportunity to trap Jesus.

The Law was not being used for the woman, it was being used for their selfishness.  It wasn't an opportunity to correct a harmful behavior, but a chance to prove that THEY are the righteous ones. 

Those who are most comfortable with appealing to the rules are often those who do so to assert their specialness because of how they perceive that they themselves measure up in comparison. 

Jesus makes an appeal that cuts to the heart of our "gotcha" attitudes.  

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” -John 8:7

Those who want to harness the hammer of the law need to recognize that it will be equally upon them.  The Law does not give freedom to anyone.  It enslaves everyone.  Jesus is making very clear to us that the their are no degrees of condemnation that the Law brings with it.  

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” - John 8:9-11

The Law exists.  It is true.  But it does not change us.  Grace and love are the tools that change our hearts.  When Jesus came He fulfilled the demands of the Law and offered Grace to all who accept it.  When we don't accept it, we make a claim that we would rather live with the Law.   When someone says that they think they are going to heaven because they are a good person they are appealing to the prison of the Law as their hope.  They are hoping that they can do enough good to avoid punishment.  

The irony is that one of the oft used criticisms of Christianity is that Christian's use the threat of hell to get people to behave.  Yet by divorcing ourselves from the Grace of Christ the only reason we have to behave is to avoid punishment.  Either in this life or the next.  Why should the atheist "act" good?  Because there are "consequences".  Why should the generic spiritual person "act" good?  To avoid consequences.  Only in Christ are we told we can be fully loved even when we break the "Law".  

Let me say here for the record...if anyone tells you that you should be a Christian so you don't go to hell, they are not telling you about Christianity.  They are just telling you the age old performance based story of the Law dressed up with some "Christ-yness".

     

Having the Law doesn't change the Heart

The Gospel Doesn't Care if you Fail Today

We have developed a pretty extreme standard of evaluation for success.  Specifically, that it must happen immediately.  This is influencing nearly every aspect of our lives. 

What are some of the most popular television shows over the last few years?  Reality competition.  American Idol, the Voice, Project Runway, etc.  They all promise something very similar.  You, yes you, are a diamond in the rough.  Overnight we will discover your God given talent, launch you into the stratosphere and you can bask in the glow of your own brilliance for the decades to come. 

Perhaps you would never try out for something like this, but when we look at our culture today we see this same insipid attitude permeating every nook and crevice of societal thought and progression.  Recently I was reading about how the Millennial Generation was struggling post college.  The dream careers they had been promised were not materializing.  One particular character was profiled in a NYT's piece who was currently living in his parents basement.  Now, he had been offered a well paying job right out of college(50k+) but it wasn't REALLLLLYYY what he saw himself doing to "change the world" and "live his dreams".  So, instead of contributing to society, he was playing Xbox in his parents basement......

Do you remember layaway?  It used to be the common method of purchasing something you needed or wanted.  You made a long term disciplined commitment to putting away a set amount of money towards the eventual purchase of the item.  Today we just carry credit card debt with huge interest rates.  We want that big screen TV today, not in 12 weeks.  So what if I pay 20% more than it is really worth.  My life is poorer if I have to wait.....

It is what we desire from our politicians today.  I have a problem, however I define it, and it should be fixed.....immediately.  The long term costs of fixing the problem today do not factor into whether or not it is actually a good idea, fix it for me this very moment!  And the politician who promises the most quick fixes gets my vote......

Can you name any successful weight loss programs that advertise that if you stick to our plan for the next 2 years you will do great????  Or, are the ones that are out there promising 10 minutes of exercise 3 times a decade.......

In the Gospel of John chapter 7 Jesus has been rubbing everyone the wrong way.  He has called out their self-centered hypocritical religiosity and basically ticked off all the big wigs in Jerusalem.  No one is clamoring for more of this criticism.  They are actually plotting to try to kill him.  So, the next day, since it wasn't working out very well, JC went on vacation.....I mean....He came right back and kept at it. 

During Jesus' Earthly ministry He experienced arguably more setbacks than victories.  Not to mention an entire community would turn against Him and cheer for His execution.  You might argue that He did all of that because He knew what was going to happen in the end.  But, you and I, we clearly aren't God, we don't really know about tomorrow. 

And that, my friends, is our problem.

Could you die tonight in a freak ceiling fan accident?  Of course.  But by focusing on the limited reality of our temporal existence we accept a false premise that our lives are measured, and therefore, valued, by finite circumstances.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ and His finished work on the cross instead points to the reality that every moment of our lives is a beautiful facet in the tapestry of our eternally designed purpose.

We have become prisoners to the tyranny of the moment.  The seduction of the quick fix.  The comfort of the easy solution.  What makes us feel good today becomes the highest standard of our subjective morality and evaluation of value.

The Gospel is not concerned with the immediacy of the moment, but in the reflection of an Eternal God.  Even in the suffering and the failure of a moment eternity beckons us forward.  When we make decisions from a perspective of self we make limiting choices that disconnect us from a larger picture.

When Jesus returns to Jerusalem in chapter 8 the teachers of the Law bring an adulteress to Jesus to judge.  They point out her clear sin, and, the clear punishment.  Black and white and in response to the immediate moment they demand "judgement".   The law, the tyranny of the moment, demands us to value each other's personhood by our most recent success or transgression.  The Gospel tells us that we are more than our failures.  Sin locks us into being defined by our moments.  The Gospel frees us to be shaped by Christ's love. 

Though you may die tonight, the life God has made you for, and the life you are called to, is one that sees the moments of your life as part of an ever continuing whole.  Are you looking to feel good today, or be met in love and grace forever?  There is a reason that the Gospel message is to come and die, to pick up our cross.  Living for yourself shrinks your experience and joy to a mere moment.  Living in Christ extends it to everlasting.

Even when you make a terrible mistake, you are never a mistake

  

Weep for Donald Sterling

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
           Matthew 7:1-2

As I have mentioned before, it is totally appropriate(and recommended) for Christians to "judge".  But what we are strongly cautioned about is the way we go about it.  This statement about judging by Jesus is directly connected to a vitally important addendum;  The measure you will use will be measured against you. 

Get it?  The way you go about judging and dealing with others will eventually be the same standard by which you find yourself measured and judged.  If you go around punching people because you don't like how they look, don't be surprised when you get punched for someone not liking how you look. 

If you haven't heard about the soap opera saga; "As the Sterling Turns; The Donald is a Jerk Saga", do yourself a favor and utilize some googlefu on that story.  But in a brief summation....

Donald Sterling is a billionaire who owns the LA Clippers.  Donald told his minority mistress that he doesn't want her publicly showing off that she is hanging around with black people.  Outrage by the media and the NBA led to his lifetime ban from the NBA, a 2.5 million dollar fine and basically  he has been forced to relinquish control of the NBA franchise that he bought in the 80's.  This summation does not also include his long documented history of his being a Class A jerk and racist who has been successfully sued for legal discrimination many times.(though those other issues never led to this result before) 

And it seems like the general consensus is that this is the right thing to do. 

Here is why it is actually a terrible omen for all of our futures.

1)  The conversation he had with his mistress was a private one that she recorded. 

Why is that a problem?:  Donald Sterling seems like a despicable human being.  But are we not allowed to be despicable in our private lives?  How would you like every single private conversation you have ever had with any person ever be accessible to anyone else to hear/read?  And then what you said in confidence, regardless of context, be used against you?

The measure you use against others will be used against you.

2)  He had his business stripped from him.

Why is that a problem?:  Donald did not break any laws.  But because his opinion of black people is unwelcomed(I hope we agree that it is a terrible opinion) it has apparently justified officially sanctioning and punishing him while literally stealing his privately owned business from him.  What if you worked in a company for 30 years and one day your boss found out that you held an unpopular opinion and he proceeded to fine you and fire you because he doesn't like how you think?

The measure you used against others will be used against you.

3)  He is, for LIFE, never allowed to go to an NBA event.

Why is that a problem?: 

Because we have decided we don't like how he thinks we have accepted that we can legally bar him from entering in to watch a public event in a public space(I believe all arenas are in some capacity funded in part by taxpayers and local municipalities).   How would you feel if you found your private views unacceptable by another group and they used their disagreement with you to legally bar you from public events?  

The measure you used against others will be used against you.

Don't get me wrong.  I have no problem with sponsors not wanting to give him money, or employees of his quitting in protest and fans refusing to attend his games.  That is within our rights to not associate with someone we don't agree with, nor, to give them money.  What is not acceptable is actively and overtly punishing him for views we don't like. 

Once we have accepted the premise that how a person thinks or feels justifies legal action(I know it is not the government punishing him, but how else do you define having money taken from him along with his business---is it voluntary??) then we all are at risk of being in the cross hairs.  Public opinion and subjective cultural morality is an ever moving standard.  Perhaps your views are completely acceptable today, but what if they aren't tomorrow? 

Christians should be outraged and opposed to the views of Donald Sterling(not to mention his adulterous relationships...), and they should also be outraged and opposed to a society that has deemed thought crime as reasonable standard for giving financial and professional punishments.  The slippery slope in our culture is getting steeper and steeper.  

The main message of Jesus when it comes to judging is that it is to be done fairly, gracefully and humbly.  What measure do we want to be held to?  The ever changing inconsistency of cultural whims, or, the never changing standard of God?

We should weep for Donald Sterling.  Not because he is a good guy unfairly being punished.  But because the way he has been punished, and the reasoning behind it, means that you could very well be next. 

Only a few days before his private thoughts were made public.....

Forgiveness

Colossians 3:13
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

I was just thinking about this today.  When we don't forgive, we trap ourselves in a place of not experiencing forgiveness.  When we hold anger and resentment in our heart, our heart begins to experience an ever increasing share of hurt.

Why is that so?

When we are unwilling to forgive someone else for their shortcomings and sins against us we are subtly telling ourselves that forgiveness and grace is unobtainable.  There is in each of us sin and brokenness.  Honest appraisal of our own sin leads us to recognize that what we are angry, or, hurt by, from others is rarely(if ever) as dark as what is in our own hearts.  And, if that person is not forgivable, then we must not be either.

As we begin to believe that we are unforgivable, next we think we are unlovable.  And as we process that lie it shapes our actions.  If we are unforgivable and unlovable, who really cares what we do, leading us to act more in alignment with unforgivable and unlovable actions.  It becomes a viscous cycle that slowly kills us inside. 

The dependent clause of this statement in Colossians is that YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN.  That no matter what you have done, no matter how far you have fallen, no matter how dirty your sins, you are loved.  The "must also" follows as being a natural response to the change in your heart.  You don't forgive so that you are forgiven, BECAUSE you are forgiven, you can forgive.  And you will!

The bearing with one another is a great realistic picture of what life is really like.  The claim in Colossians isn't that the people in your life are just so forgivable, it is that they are just like you, sinners, who need forgiveness.  And sinners who can be frustrating.  So, out of grace and forgiveness we "bear" with them, even when they are causing us problems.  If you read this whole passage in the context of what it is saying; You are forgiven, so bear with one another and give forgiveness. 

It is all tied together as a mutually dependent experience initiated by Christ.  As you accept that you are forgiven, you, at the same time learn to be forgiving.  And the reverse is true, if we refuse to be forgiving, we are acting out a heart that says that we are not ourselves forgiven.  When we refuse to bear with one another, we are saying we are someone who is unlovable and incapable of being "beared" with ourselves.

So keep in mind this simple truth:  You are LOVED and FORGIVEN.  Christ freely offers to love us and forgive us right where we are.  Full of dirt, resentment, sin, destruction, pain.  And when we stop fighting that, and start embracing that, everything about our lives radically changes.  ESPECIALLY our relationships with those in our lives.

Know that you are forgiven so that you can love each other well. 

Yes, actions do speak louder than wombats.

Who do you love like?

We should treat sin like a disease.

Like its cancer.

Yah, you heard me right.  Sin should be treated like cancer.  You know, destructive, murdering, disgusting cancer.

And we should treat people who sin like they have cancer.

We should cry with them when they are hurting.

We should hold them when they are sad.

We should be quick to offer help when they ask for it.  But don't force them to take our help, because having cancer is exhausting and painful and sometimes they need some space.

We should pray for them every day.

Our hearts should break for the pain they are going through.

We should weep with them when the medicine sometimes feels worse then the disease.

And we should also remember that cancer isn't contagious. You can't get it by spending time with them and holding their hand, or, hugging them.

 There are two distinctly diametrically opposed ways of loving people.  We can love them in the law.  Or, we can love them in Grace.

Loving people in the law looks like this:
1)  High expectations of what WE think they should be doing FOR us
2) Consequences(withholding our love, anger, punishment, bitterness) when they fail to meet our expectations.
3) Always on the look out for "mistakes"
4) Treating them differently depending on the day and/or our mood
5) What have you done for me lately attitude


Loving people in Grace looks like this:
1) High belief in who they are regardless of what they do for us
2) Actions of love(service, sacrifice, patience, caring) even when they aren't at their "best"
3) Always on the look out for reasons to encourage and praise
4) Consistent treatment and attitude towards them that has nothing to do with our mood or the day
5) What have I done for YOU lately attitude

People are treated like objects all the time.  Even when we are generally "nice" enough people, we have a tendency to often look through a lens that defines that persons value by the value we perceive they are giving us.  When that value diminishes(in our eyes) we replace them with something "better". 

We have created a list of "do's and dont's" in our interpersonal relationships by which we base our love actions towards that person.  When they hurt us, make us angry, act incorrectly...we justify our poor treatment of them because they are getting what they deserve.  They didn't live up to the "law", and now its time to pay the piper. 

What is even more terrible about this approach to love, is that we rarely ever have enough personal introspection to fairly evaluate how little we live up to the standards we apply to other people.  And, we become self-righteous because of it.  We say, "look at all that I have done to deserve you acting in a way that I want, and you aren't doing it, you are a bad person!!"  And this self-righteous attitude becomes the basis for us playing the martyr.  "Oh, look at poor little me, I am such a good son/friend/employee/spouse, and they aren't treating me like it, I deserve better!!"

How do you approach people in your life who aren't living up to expectations?  Who are in sin?  Sin in general, sin against others, sin against YOU?  Is it time to make them pay for their bad behavior?

The Pharisees were great at the law.  And they were great at viewing everyone through that lens.  They were the first to judge other people, to call for punishment, to ostracize people for not being the "right kind" of person. 

So Jesus calls them out...a lot... And He shows us a much different approach to loving others.  Grace.  Given not because of the goodness of the person receiving, but because of HIS goodness.  

Don't get me wrong.  He didn't pretend that sin didn't exist.  But he didn't treat people like they were sinners.  He treated them like someone who was hurting and needed to be loved.  Even when they weren't acting very loveable.  Why did the sick, the sinners, the hurting, come in droves to be near Jesus?  Because He was going to treat them as if they were His very own precious children.  They had lived their whole lives in the performance based approach to loving in the law.  Being told you aren't good enough over and over and over again was probably pretty exhausting.   

So what does this mean for us?

We have to be brutally honest with ourselves.  How are we loving the people in your life?  In the law?  Or, in Grace? 

A simple approach to being aware of this, and to begin to shape our hearts and actions to reflect this:

Write down the ways in which you show love towards people through words and actions.  For instance;  When I love someone, I smile at them.  When I love someone, I offer to help them.  When I love someone, I am really interested in what they have to say.  When I love someone, I put their wants/needs ahead of mine.

Perhaps you can write it all out on a notecard you keep on you at all times.  Especially if you are suspicious that you  have been a tad bit too legalistic.  And as you interact with this person, review your words and responses about what you recognize as being true signs of love.  Then, do those things instead of what you might actually feel like doing.  No matter what that person has or hasn't done that day/week/month/year.

Where this gets hard is when that person hasn't acted the best.  When they have sinned and hurt you.  But that is what Christ centered Grace is all about.  While we were still SINNERS He laid His life down for us.  So, die to self and love without condition!

Sin is like cancer.  And we need to treat sinners like cancer patients.  We don't sit around criticizing them all day long for having cancer.  We love them right where they are at.  One of the interesting things about cancer treatment and recovery is that a patients "support" network(friends and family) is so essential to success rate.  You can give all the best treatment in the world, but if that person feels alone and abandoned their chances at healing are greatly diminished.

And when you love someone who has cancer, you don't do it ONLY if they will just get well.  You love them because YOU LOVE THEM.  Its a great benefit and blessing that your love can help.

When someone in your life is sinning, not living up to expectations, hurting you, you need to stop loving them ONLY if they will get "better".  Love them because YOU LOVE THEM.  They can be given all the "help" in the world to "get better" but if they feel alone and abandoned, their chances of healing are greatly diminished.  It won't make them better, but you CAN make it worse.

Love because you have been loved.  Die to self every day and love because God is good, not because they are.

This is a true story about my life, and a good illustration of my point.....

When Others Cannot Walk

Matthew 9:2
"When Jesus saw THEIR faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Take heart son; your sins are forgiven'"

My daughter is only 2.  Some of the difficulties of being only 2 is that she walks veeerrrryyyyy slowly.  Even when she is motoring along at a decent pace, it never lasts long, because there are too many distractions.  We took a family walk on the beach yesterday and about 1 minute in I realized that she was going to have to get carried if we were going to get anywhere.

For what felt like a long long long walk, we journeyed over the beautiful white sands.  My wife claims we didn't walk that far, but she didn't have a 30 pound toddler squirming on her shoulders.  To make matters worse, that precocious little girl did not appropriately align her weight with my shoulders, she leaned hard against my head, putting all the strain on my neck.  This morning, I have a sore neck. 

It was worth it!

She can't get very far on her own.  If we had just kept walking at a pace we were comfortable with, we would have lost her about 2 minutes into the walk.  We would have reached our destination, but it wouldn't be the same without my little princess.  Though it wasn't "easy", I wouldn't give up her being with me for anything.  Not to mention, that the reason she leaned so hard on my head was because she kept giving it hugs!

Jesus took notice of THEIR faith.  There was only one man in this story who was a paralytic, but Jesus recognized the faith of the men who carried their friend.  We actually do not hear any sort of commendation from Jesus to these faithful friends, He gets right to the work of forgiving and healing. 

We so often treat faith as an individualistic experience.  We walk alone.  We grow alone.  We minister alone. 

Even if there is someone else in the room.

I believe this little snapshot of friendship gives us a real convicting challenge.  Are we willing to carry those in our lives to a place where they can experience saving faith?  No one journeys towards Christ alone in a closet secretly.  It is most often through the loving encouragement and fellowship of those who are currently "stronger" that leads us to healing.

A couple of examples of people you should be willing to "carry":

1)  The hurting friend.  Something is going on in their life that causes them to just crumple to the floor.  Are you wrapping your arms around them and being the friend they need to get through "this".

2)  The backsliding friend.  Are you willing to speak truth into their life?  To help them get on track with truth and life?  The friend in sin often knows it.  They just get lost in it.  Do you love them enough to enter into their experience and walk them back?

3)  The unbelieving friend.  You can lead a horse to water.......It is true that you can't make anyone, through your power, come to Christ, but you can love them so deeply and selflessly that they see Christ's truth come near because you have "carried" them to Him through your love for them.

Who are you willing to "carry"? 

How about yourself?  Do you know that you need to be carried towards Jesus more than you care to admit?  You cannot just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get yourself there.  So often our own weaknesses and sins get our feet stuck...paralyzed...somewhere.  Who are you letting into your life to carry you when you can't pick up your feet?

Why I Judge People, and Good Christians Should Too!!

Matthew 7:1
"Do not Judge, or you too will be judged"

I looooooovvvveeee Judging people.  It is an essential part of my day.  Without it, I don't think I would be a very good parent, husband, pastor, or, pseudo-famous blogger(tens of readers daily).

One quick example of how much I love judging people;

So my son got really mad at his little sister yesterday.  She apparently was sitting too close to him on the couch.  She has a lot of nerve!!!  So, in classic big brother fashion, he hit her and pushed her off the couch. 

In the back of my head I heard that very important refrain playing on a loop, "do not judge, do not judge do not judge!!!"  But, luckily, I ignored it.  I took my son to his room, gave him a stern talking, gave him a swat on the bottom(yes, we are those parents), gave him a hug, and left him in his room for a long timeout.

You know what he has been doing recently when his sister is "bothering" him?  He gets up and goes to another room.  No more hitting(mostly). 

Do you know how idiotic it sounds when people quote this passage whenever they are trying to call out a Christian for "judging".  On a scale of 1 to super stupid, it is massively idiotic.

One thing we are really good at(in my judgment) in todays culture is proof texting snippets of scripture to bash people with.  Especially when that person is in some way speaking about Biblical convictions and Truths.

So here is where Jesus goes with the whole "don't judge" statement;

When you judge(verse 2---He is assuming you do judge), judge in the way you want to be judged.  Meaning, when you get rightfully called out on something, do you want to be smacked around, or shown grace and patience?  The measure you use for others will be the measure  you will experience. 

Right off the bat Jesus is working in the context of the daily reality of judgment.  We HAVE to use it.  You can't do much of anything in life without utilizing wise judgment.  How else are you able to tell your kid that it is wrong to hit his sister?  And as Jesus addresses this He flips the typical way we judge on its ear.

See, we love to be self-righteous and really give it to people when we catch them being wrong.  Guess what a second assumption he makes is?  You need to be judged at times as well.  Give grace when you deal with other peoples sins, and, get grace when your sins are exposed.

One of Jonathan Edwards life resolutions was to..."Act in word and deed as if nobody had been so vile as I, to live as if I had committed the same sins, or, had the same infirmities or failings as others, to confess my own sins and miser to God when I am prone to look on shame at others"

 

Jesus calls us to live in such a way as to give grace for others failings in the same measure that we are desperate to experience in the midst of our own.

 

This passage DOES NOT say, "YOU CANNOT EVER EVER EVER JUDGE".

 

Later on, Jesus adds a bit more to the process of judging others.  In verse 5 He tells us to remove our beam.  Why?  So we can remove our brothers speck. 

 

Again, Jesus is speaking in the context of His disciples actively judging sin.  And on top of being graceful about it, He teaches that unless we are willing to deal with(repent) of our own sins, we can't possibly help our brothers and sisters with theirs.

 

The comedian Kevin James once said, "Nothing is worse than receiving weight loss advice from someone FATTER than you!"  Nothing is worse than hearing judgment from an unrepentant hypocrite. 

 

Where does this leave us?

 

1)  Christians SHOULD judge and speak clearly about sin.

2)  Jesus is pretty clear, you better do it in such a way that it is dripping with Grace, patience and love.

3)  Deal with your own heart, be honest, be willing to repent of your own sins as you lovingly address your brothers.

 

Next time someone tells you that Christians shouldn't judge....Tell them they have no clue what they are talking about and read Matthew 7:1-5 with them.  Do it with love, do it with honesty.

 

Cheap Grace and the Nuclear Option

I Corinthians 5:1-2
"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate: A man is sleeping with his father’s wife. ² And you are proud!"

For years I worked at a pool and tennis club and coached a swim team with around 100 kids between the ages of 5 and 18.  There were two camps that the parents fell into; Those who disciplined their kids, and those who didn't.  You can guess which kids I enjoyed the most.  The worst was when I was undercut by the non-disciplining parents.  Their kid would do something egregious, I would give some sort of consequence(sitting out of the pool, extra laps, etc) and then that parent would berate me for it in front of their kid.  Didn't matter what the kid had done, they were an angel, and how dare I say they couldn't pick on someone weaker than them.....

 One of my favorite Christian writers of the 20th century wrote,

“Cheap grace is the grace we bestow on ourselves. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession.... Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost Of Discipleship

Doesn't that smack a little close to home today?  We are so quick to give cheap grace that never calls us to something more. 

The church in Corinth apparently has something rotten inside of it.  There is a man who claims fellowship with them who is living in unrepentant sin.  What is interesting is that the Corinthians know this is a problem because the language Paul uses, "It is reported", indicates he had to get this information from a different source than them. 

So why are they proud?  Cheap grace.  They have bastardized the idea of "come as you are" and turned it into "stay as you are".  The Gospel calls us to pick up our cross.  The message of Jesus was "REPENT and believe". 

The power of the Cross is that there is no sin too big to keep us from grace.  And there is no sin to big that grace cannot heal and change.  When we refuse to address sin in the light of grace, freely given, it is a red flag. 

But here is the thing.  It is not a red flag of being a non-Christian.

None of Pauls language infers that he is calling this person a false Christian.  He is calling him out for sin.  Later in this section he says that the Corinthians need to remove him from fellowship so that he can face the reality of the destructive nature of sin and come to repentance! 

And then it gets even better.  In his follow up letter, 2 Corinthians, he readdresses this situation.  The man has faced great sorrow and has repented.  Paul tells the church to not let him suffer any longer, to restore him, to bring him home.

Cheap grace is destroying our people.  One sin at a time.  One family at a time.  One Church at a time.  Grace is free, it is not cheap.

Our greatest passion and drive should be to be more like Christ, AND, to encourage our brothers and sisters in the same manner.  When we refuse to speak truth and hold to account our community we begin to rot from the inside. 

Ask yourself this question;  What would the Christians in my life do if they were aware of unrepentant sin in my life?  What would my church do with unrepentant sin?

And then ask yourself;  Does that align with God's word?

Let me make something clear.  I am not calling for the hammer in all of our lives.  We each struggle with sin.  But are we struggling, or are we proud of it?  Pride over sin is the road to destruction.  Are you surrounding yourself with people who will speak Christ's grace into your life, a grace that is never cheap.

Christ died to set you free.  Not to so you can be free to do whatever you want.