How Do We Love

“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
― C.S. Lewis

The modern definition of love is most often used in the context of feelings that you feel for someone.  If someone makes you feel good and is attractive you have all the ingredients for "love".  And if you realllllly have these strong feelings for someone, and happen to also want to have sex with them....well...it's love....let never the two be split asunder! 

Shockingly, today, we have an ever increasing number of divorces, children born out of wedlock, affairs, etc.  When "feelings" become the arbiter we have established an amorphous and unstable standard on which to base relationships and our conceptions of love. 

There is a reason that marriages often dissolve between years 5 and 10.  For most people the butterflies of fresh love have been replaced by the mundane nature of daily living coupled with the stresses of children, bills, careers, and new "attractive" people.  When we place romance as the pinnacle of the value of a relationship we will soon find ourselves without good reasons to continue.

This perspective also influences the approach we take to all relationships.  It is easy to speak with eloquence about how much you love others and what a good person you are for caring about their experiences.  But when push comes to shove we would much rather talk about our ambiguously defined feelings than make practical commitments to showing love to someone else when it doesn't translate to achieving something for ourselves. 

Instead, I challenge us to approach love as a deliberate act of the will that puts others first regardless of how we may "feel" about it.  As CS Lewis said in the opening quote choosing to act love outwardly will shape us inwardly.  I have been recently studying the book of Ruth and I think there are three lessons that we can draw out about the practical expressions of giving love to others.

-----if you haven't read, or, recently read, the Book of Ruth, read the first two chapters to get the context for what I am saying here-----

Ruth is a pagan foreigner(boo), recently widowed(boo), living with her widowed mother-in-law who, with her husband, ran from the promised land some years earlier(more boos).  For all practical purposes Ruth is person non-grata in Israel when she shows up at the field of Boaz to hopefully pick up some scraps so she doesn't starve to death.  There was nothing about her that eligible bachelor's in ancient Israel would find "attractive".  Yet, Boaz displays great love towards her.

1-  He speaks kindly with her(Ruth 2:11-12).  Boaz was a busy, respected and successful man.  He could simply have ignored her and no one would have noticed or cared.  He was under no obligation to be kind to this strange pagan foreigner.  But he goes out of his way to seek her out and speak affirming and encouraging words to her.

You and I are surrounded by people who no one would even notice if we didn't take the time to notice them.  Being a loving person is about showing love to those who you have no "reason" to love.  You can say you love your neighbor, but when is the last time you sought them out to share an encouraging word, to ask how they are doing, to pray for them?  We are not loving people if we only give kind words to those who are easy and convenient for us to be kind to.

And to be even more personal, when is the last time you also deliberately spoke with kindness and encouragement to the people in your life?  Like your spouse?  If you only say, "I love you" when you want something....how loving is that?

2-  He shares his life(and a meal) with her(Ruth 2:14).  Boaz doesn't just say something nice and then goes about ignoring her.  He invites her to sit with him, to eat with him, to show real care for her.

Speaking kind words is important, but, they are also easy.  Who do you need to go out of your way to show practically in a real and tangible way that you love them?  Don't say, "I love you....but please don't spend any time with me"

3-  Boaz goes above and beyond and makes a personal sacrifice to help her(Ruth 2:15-16).  Instead of just the bare minimum of letting Ruth have whatever scraps are left, Boaz provides for her from his own personal harvest!

Love, real love, leads to sacrifice.  If you want to practically put love into practice, are you willing to cost yourself something in the process? 


Do you want to truly love people?  Stop feeling stuff about them and start giving of yourself for them regardless of how you feel.  Because just doing stuff for people you "like" is easy and not really very loving at all.

Still a better love story than Twilight

Proof is in the Pudding

CS Lewis wrote that for us to say we love our neighbor, but then to avoid them, is not love at all.  If we are to truly love our neighbor, we are to act in accordance to what love is.  Active, engaged, sacrificial.  He goes on to say that when we begin to discipline ourselves to behaving AS IF we loved them, we will soon discover that we have truly come to love them.

Lip service is what we are most comfortable offering to people.  What we are most comfortable offering to God.  Telling your spouse, "I Love you" is easy.

But the words do not make it true

Affirming with words all the truths of Christianity is easy.

But it doesn't make you a Christian.

There is a funny little truth about the way we are wired.  Actions drive our feelings.  Feelings rarely create consistent action.  When the butterflies of new love wear off, we are left with nothing but the decision to either, by an act of the will, continue to live in love, or, to not. 

When we wait until we "feel" like something to do something, those feelings and those actions become ever more spaced apart.  Consistently applying the will to act in accordance with the behaviors we know to be true and right, develops the feelings and allows them to grow over time.

This does not mean "resigning" oneself to misery and obligation.  A willful act of love is actively aligning your heart with you behavior.  Begrudgingly forcing something grows resentment.  Engaging the whole self towards acts of love changes us from the inside out. 

Christian's are not called to have feelings about God.  But to live in accordance to the truth about God.  Life is messy.  It can be tragic, and broken.  There are times when our pain and frustration will cause us to say, "No more, not today, I can't do it." 

These are the most important times for our internal(and eternal) development.  When the deck is stacked against us, how do we respond? 

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a broken spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him from them all."

- Psalm 34:18-19

 

I bet you missed something when you read that. 

 

It doesn't say WHEN deliverance will come.  The act of Christian faith is to not to always have the answers RIGHT NOW, or, to have an easy care-free life, but to be rooted in the hope we have in the promise that is found in the Cross. 

 

And that takes a daily act of the will. 

 

Our hope cannot be based upon some previous feelings of bliss and heart racing palpitations of early love.  Because those things fade.  And if that is all you hoped in, you will be crushed when difficulties arise. Instead, in the person of Christ we have a promise that doesn't erase the struggle today, but points to the hope of every tomorrow.  When we begin to be shaped by this, it changes our behaviors today. 

 

Let me challenge us in two ways....

 

1- Are you waiting to feel good about God before you hope in God?  That will get you no where.  Make a decision to actively seek Him even when it is not easy, and you will find your hope. 

 

2-  This is about us as people living with people as well.  What relationships are you struggling in right now.  Can you begin to stop trying to change how you feel, but change how you act?  Your relationship doesn't need jump started feelings, but a new way of loving.

 

 

Fundamentally a Fundamentalist(related thoughts to World Vision's Changed Hiring Practices)

For obviously the doctrines which one finds easy are the doctrines which give Christian sanction to truths you already knew. The new truth which you do not know and which you need must, in the very nature of things, be hidden precisely in the doctrine you least like and least understand.... there will be progress in Christian knowledge only as long as we accept the challenge of the difficult or repellent doctrines. A “liberal” Christianity which considers itself free to alter the faith whenever the faith looks perplexing or repellent must be completely stagnant.
-C. S. Lewis

Being a fundamentalist is taking a beating these days.  But I will admit that I am proud to be one.  So how do I(and perhaps you) feel confident in asserting our fundamentalistism when it seems to be so maligned?

First, lets understand what it is, and, what it isn't. 

Culture has conflated two beliefs and behaviors and made them appear to be synonymous.  To illustrate, it is like they take the true statement, "All apples are fruits", and then add, "All fruits are apples".  One IS true, the other is absurdly wrong.  But, recognizing that all fruits are not indeed apples does not then disprove the preceding statement that all apples are fruits.

Practically, it looks like this;

Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist are fundamentalists AND their beliefs and behaviors are abhorrent.  Reformed Southern Baptists are fundamentalists, THEREFORE, their beliefs and behaviors are abhorrent.  The term, "fundamentalist", is used as a pejorative slander in this example.  Perhaps you can think of your own examples of how you can observe this at play today.  And I would contend that in this usage it is wildly misleading and criminally incorrect.

So what is a better understanding of fundamentalism?

Simply put, fundamentalist beliefs and behaviors are any of either that a person, or, group of people, find to be non-negotiably true.  For example, I am betting you are a fundamentalist about murder.  You have unalterable convictions about murder and are unwilling to negotiate a compromise with the opposing view point. 

If an axe murderer comes into you house you would not feel it an adequate conclusion to "come together" with the man with the axe to find a mutually beneficial ending to your impasse.  Only having your leg chopped off is not a good compromise.  You stand firmly, FUNDAMENTALLY, on the position that he not only should NOT murder you, but should leave without harming you post haste!

Man, you are such a bigot...... 

EVERYONE is a fundamentalist.  When push comes to shove, there are a number of things that you would never waver on.  Which is a good thing!  So, why do we hear so much negativity about fundamentalists?  Because we refuse to personally examine whether we are being fundamentalist enough.  As CS Lewis said, we love the truths that we already agree to, we find very difficult dealing with the truths that are revealed that challenge our beliefs and behaviors that we currently enjoy.

A set of beliefs should be evaluated upon the premises and conclusions they describe.  Not evaluated by whether or not we can categorize the concept of having different ideas in a box that we can more easily discard.  Westboro Baptist's beliefs and behaviors do not align with; 1) Scripture, or, 2) General Ethics.  We don't need to describe it short hand(fundamentalists!!!!) to prove that it is bad.  The very premise and conclusions they make are demonstrably false in a myriad of ways.  They aren't wrong because they are fundamentalists, they are wrong, because....they are wrong.

It is in vogue for parts of the Church to decry fundamentalism and celebrate a new era of love, unity and diversity.  Instead of established doctrine they adhere to an ambiguously defined concept of "love".  But try to not ask them to explicitly define Love in alignment to the testimony of scripture.....So while they pat themselves on the back about how inclusively loving they are, they malign and throw mud at the intolerant fundamentalists

Reminder:  EVERYONE is a fundamentalist.

So while that church down the road might talk all about how they aren't fundamentalists, they become hypocritical fundamentalists.  First, by a lack of willingness to compromise with those they claim are fundamentalists(meaning they themselves are fundamentalists about THEIR beliefs), and secondly, they still DO have standards which they won't break, or, allow to be broken.  For example, I bet they are fundamentalists about their belief that you can't beat up your wife.  Which I agree with obviously.  But you can't celebrate how you aren't a fundamentalist like "those" people, while you are actually quite clearly being one.

We need to stop labeling people as fundamentalists as an attempt to shut down conversation and disparage your opponent.  And, we need to stop calling them liberal/progressive in an attempt to do the same thing on the other side.  We need to engage with the actual substance.  And, as a Christian, we need to listen closely to how CS Lewis put it.  God's truth is not going to be easy to conform to in the areas that are often going to mean the most to us.  But it is by that standard that we need to evaluate the "rightness", or, the "wrongness" of a groups position.

After World Vision announced their changed hiring policies a number of prominent pastors and theologians voiced frustration with WV.  And, almost immediately, those same people were blasted as bigoted fundamentalists.  There was no substantive engagement with their biblical and theological arguments.  Just name calling and mud slinging.  Whether you agree, or, disagree with WV, we need to be willing to examine the actual substance of the argument that the people who are on the other side have made. 

We are all fundamentalists.  But we are not all correct.  Let's labor to know truth that is not about our personal preferences and comfort levels, but Objectively True according to God.