Promises Promises

My wife has worked very hard on me for over 8 years.  By God's grace and my bride's tenacious stubbornness I have grown in many ways.  I don't "soak" the dishes in the sink for a few days, clothes get put away, I clean up BEFORE it is requested of me, and, most importantly, I am getting better at listening and not just looking for an opportunity to interject my thoughts(still got a ways to go there, but we're working on it!)

The area where I hurt my wife the most is when I didn't(and sometimes still don't) keep promises.  Nothing "huge".  Just those little ones I(and probably you) have a tendency to flippantly throw out there.  Like, I PROMISE I will remember to take out the trash, I PROMISE I will take that out of the oven in exactly 30 minutes, I PROMISE I will get "that" done tomorrow.....

Why did I break all of those promises all the time.  Because I was just making promises because I thought that is what she wanted to hear.  It's not that I didn't care about those things at all, I just cared more about her being pleased with me in that moment and how her being pleased with me made me feel good about myself.  They were self-serving promises.  And once they had served their purpose(making me feel like a good husband for giving them) they were easily forgotten as other things came up. 

She wasn't so mad about what I didn't get done, she was mad that I had promised to do them.  At the end of the day it wasn't earth shattering if I forgot to take out the trash, but it was hurtful that I had degraded my integrity and the value of my word so much. 

Why do we make these silly little promises so often?

Because we want to make people feel good about us(that's selfishness).  We care more about the promise than the task.  And we make promises that are just plain stupid to make.  There is nothing wrong with making a promise.  But we devalue a promise by making it about everything. 

A promise should be a commitment rooted deeply in selflessness, not selfishness.  IE, I promise to love you till death do us part, I promise to stand by you no matter what, etc.  When we begin to swear to every little thing that crosses our path we find ourselves constantly getting in unwinnable situations. 

Think about the boss or co-worker who never says no.  They want to be liked and be successful so they agree to take on every assignment.  And they don't complete any of them well.  Consequently, they never succeed.  I read once that to be a good leader requires the courage and integrity to say no quite liberally. 

In Matthew 5 we are told to let our yes be yes AND our no be no.  Making a bunch of oaths and promises is a terrible thing and comes from a terrible place.  It leads us no where good.

What got me thinking about all of this is the story of Herod and John the Baptist in Matthew 14.  Herod kinda likes this crazy Prophet from the wilderness, but knows he is a bit of a problem.  His wife, Herodias, wants him dead.  So she sets up a little trap.  She has her daughter(who was actually Herod's niece) do a big dance for him at his party.  We are pretty sure from the context that it was not how we say, an "appropriate for family audiences" dance.  Herod is pretty taken by it, and in front of everyone, to look magnanimous and impressive, makes an official Oath that she can have whatever she wants.  She, thanks to her mothers scheming, asks for John the Baptists head. 

Herod is trapped, he can't lose face in front of everyone.  He made an official oath.  So, he has John beheaded.

What are you making promises about?  And why are you making them?

It is time for us to stop just trying to look good and impress people.  But to actually do good and not be too concerned with the praise we may receive.  My wife doesn't need me to promise her the moon.  She just needs to know that my yes means yes and my no means no. 

When You Just Can't Please People

Have you ever been in a situation where it seems that no matter what you do you are going to be in trouble?  To be honest, sometimes it is completely on you.  When I was in high school I thought it would be a grand romantic gesture to buy my girlfriend a "diamond"(in quotations because it was so small it barely qualified as a diamond and cost less then $120) for Christmas.  My parents were, and still are, fairly wise people.  I knew that they would never accept me doing something so ill advised.  So I kept it secret from them. 

Being a good mother.....my mom "found" the receipt "accidentally" in the bottom of my underwear drawer....Seriously mom, what were you doing in there anyways...can't you just trust me???.....And my parents sat me down for a "talk".  Since they were scheming tricksters who liked letting me hang myself they asked me to share with them again what I had bought for my girlfriend.  My radar was up, but I thought I could skate through this.  So I lied.  And then...BOOM...here comes the evidence. 

At this point there was nothing I could say to protect myself.  The lying part of the event caused my parents to punish me with an assignment to write a 6 page biblically researched paper about lying and respecting your parents.  Which led to my second unwinnable situation.  I was grounded UNTIL I finished the paper.  So, the quicker I got it done, the quicker I was free.  I wrote it in one day....and it was actually quite good.  But that resulted in my parents pointing out that I would never be able to get away with turning a class assignment in late ever again......which I had a tendency to do...sometimes literally MONTHS late. 

Damned no matter what I do..... And it was totally my fault....

But there is a much more difficult place to be stuck.  When nothing you do will cause someone to respond well to you.  And you ARE NOT in the wrong.  This is a terrible place to be.  When you find yourself there it can become debilitating.  You start to make bad decisions, and even crazy ones, just in the hopes that maybe something will break this impasse.  Being consumed by worry about this persons opinion of you leads to all sorts of unhealthy choices and mindsets. 

Being a people pleaser is no way to live.

While it is to be commended when we seek to be servant hearted, that shouldn't drift into bad behaviors for the sake of serving.  Then you won't be serving anyone.... My son is a tyrant at meal times.  NOTHING we offer is good enough for him.  Should we then offer him candy?  Of course not.  I can't force feed him, but I also will not compromise truth and health just to make him "happy"


"For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, "He has a demon,".  The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, "Here is a glutton and a drunkard"--Matthew 11:18-19

People, in their sin, complained about John for one reason, and then, complained about Jesus for the opposite reason.  You just can't win with some people.  The problem wasn't John's ministry or Jesus's message.  The problem was sinful hearts.  No matter how graceful, loving and miraculous either man could be in their midst, they had already decided in their hearts to be opposed to them. 

So how do we handle it?

By not handling it....

Jesus goes on to say, "Wisdom is proved right by her actions".  The context leads us to understand that the wise choice in the midst of the complaints is to do what is right.  Not because someone will respond well to it, but, BECAUSE it is right.  If someone still wants to be mad at you, that's on them.  At the heart of someone's dissatisfaction with you is often the reality of sin.  Root yourself, not in their opinions and reactions, but instead on the Word of God. 

So how do you respond to someone who treats you like that?  Love and patience!  You can't change them by what you do, you just have to love them.  The ministry of Jesus and the Gospel is not about "proving" it is right so that people get over themselves and their complaints.  It is about changed hearts through the work of the Holy Spirit.  And, unless I am gravely mistaken, you are not the Holy Spirit.  Do what is right, speak what is true, serve them as Christ served you.  And let the chips fall where they may.